problems to discuss and solve
In this book, the author divides people into three types: givers, matchers and takers. Givers are those who believe in doing things for common good, matchers only give if they get and takers just&#…
Source: Give and Take by Adam Grant
I have learned this for myself in my own life. I very much appreciate this article. Couldn’t say it better myself. Thanks for sharing.
Clicking the question will take you to my article on this subject. Enjoy. DSH
Courageous or Catastrophic–
which will it be
to fight against this limit
thrust upon me?
Will I triumph at
Everest’s top
or be found frozen
part way up?
I want to fight
to find out,
but
what would it cost?
–DarEll S. Hoskisson 1/16
“NEVER.”
That bitter sentence
sucks
a black hole
swallowing my dreams.
I dangle over the abyss.
“No more,” and
“never again,”
echo,
mocking my wishes,
carving canyons
impossible
to cross.
I expected better
although I don’t know why
I feel cheated,
trapped,
lost.
Am I still myself?
I hate this new
definition.
One without warning.
Involuntary.
Permanent.
How can I
accept
this
never
—DarEll S. Hoskisson 1/16
The final punctuation is up to the reader.
Is it:
How can I accept this?
Never!
or
How can I accept this “never?”
If you’re like I was
you won’t have a clue
how to live up to
your most beautiful you
But you have what it takes and
you won’t build alone
as you discover yourself
you’ll find you
have grown
DarEll S. Hoskisson
March 2015
I recently discovered anki, it is essentially a flash card program but much better. It has decks of cards already pre-loaded so you can start your child off on times tables right away. Or make your own specialized cards/decks.
It is set up so that you can use it on your phone or mobile device.
It is free.
It syncs both directions so you can practice on your computer, phone, tablet whatever.
You can make your own flashcards with voice/pronunciation and pictures also if you like.
It asks you both directions so that you not only practice knowing what something means, but also recalling it.
SRS stands for spaced Repetition System. It is scientifically set up to ask you and re ask you the questions or meanings at longer and longer intervals just before you might forget– helping you get the info into your long-term memory. You can do this yourself using the game schedule in the book cited below, or the computer does it for you with the help of the anki website.
An EXCELLENT help for language learning and anything you learn worth remembering permanently. There are tutorials on youtube.
The website is Ankisrs.net
It is described in detail in the book Fluent Forever by Gabriel Wyner
My son is already doing much better at his times tables in just a few minutes a day and it is a fun game.
I’m being able to use the Sanskrit yoga terms with more confidence.
This is just the system I was looking for to keep from wasting time and studying with confidence! Good luck to you.
If you want to encourage your child to exercise more or if you have an active one who is always in trouble and you want to redirect,
You could try zamzee.
Zamzee.com has a small electronic device they sell for around 30$ that tracks the child’s activity and rewards them with points.
The point is to free some couches of all the potatoes! But, it could also help those who are already active find a positive thing to do with all their energy.
We are trying it out. So far we have enjoyed it.
Really, what is it? It is a communication conundrum.
What do people mean when they complain?
I used to unload all my troubles on my husband the minute he walked in the door. (I understand this is a common young mother symptom). I regularly felt bad for being SO NEGATIVE and I know it couldn’t have been my husband’s favorite greeting. What did I mean? What did I want?
After round after round of this very unsatisfying pattern, I had the presence of mind to ask myself, what in my dream world would be the response I’m looking for? It surprised me. I wanted appreciation. I wanted something like, “Wow honey, with all that difficulty you still made it out on top. I love you so much. You are so amazing.” Something like that.
When I realized I would likely NEVER GET appreciation by whining and who could appreciate a wife that was complaining all the time, I quit. Just like that. We were out of the cycle. Honestly, I didn’t even like myself acting like that.
Now, I catch myself with the same problem in reverse still trying to decode other people’s complaints.
What is wanted?
Is it simply a statement?: This is the way it is (and I take it as a complaint. But, if it is just a statement, I have to ask, why are you stating it to me? and, what is the point?)
Do you want sympathy? You poor thing, that is terrible, that is the way it is?
And what if I don’t agree? What if I wonder, why don’t you do something about it, then? It makes me want to complain about complaining!
Is it a request?: Fix this, it is bothering me, not good enough, etc. But, if so, it is a completely indirect, nearly invisible request. How to translate? It takes a lot of thinking (and maybe mind reading)to figure out everything–what is the problem, what are possible solutions, what can I offer, what should the person take care of themselves, etc. I think this is often frustrating to me as I try to decode the meaning. Do they want me to do something? If so, what? Should I do it, or is that not my responsibility to correct it? and on and on
Is it a command?: In unequal relationships like parent to child, or boss to employee, a complaint can often be seen and understood as a command with simple body language and voice tone especially when responsibilities are previously clear. For instance, if the child is responsible to start the dishes and the Dad says, “THE DISHES ARE NOT CLEAN.” That is a statement, a complaint, and a command. But, at least it is clear (because the child and the whole family already knows it was the child’s duty to prevent and/or fix it.)
In marriage relationships, or close, reciprocal, equal relationships, it gets a little more confusing.
Complaining could mean anything. Is it an indirect request? Is it just a statement? If it is a request, what is it a request for?
Do you want sympathy?
Do you want comfort?
Do you want understanding/validation?
Do you want company (not alone with problem)?
Do you want a sounding board (so you can talk and figure out the problem yourself)?
Do you want ideas, suggestions, or advice?
Do you want me to get involved or do something about it?
If so,
What do you want me to do?
What types of involvement would make it better or worse for you?
What is expected and is it reasonable to expect? Can I even do it?
Another confusing aspect is the timing.
Let’s say I finally figure out that something is wanted and I know what it is AND agree to do it,
there still come more problems when it isn’t on the other’s expected time line.
So we have to figure out WHEN as well?
Look at all the questions a little complaining can cause another caring person. Aside from understanding that something affect the complainer in a negative way, really, what is a person supposed to do with that kind of communication?
I’m not supposing that we should or could all just stop complaining. But, what I am hoping to point out is that the listener definitely needs help here in properly decoding the message. Let’s help them out a bit and if it isn’t asking too much, maybe the complainer could include what is meant, wanted or needed.
It won’t stop the whining, but it could really make complaining much easier to listen to. (and maybe even more rewarding for the person going to all the trouble to complain.)
Assertiveness resource: avoiding aggression and passive victimization
Several years ago I noticed that so often we can turn into a victim/martyr vs the bully/needy one battle. This dog eat dog world, I’ve never bought into—consciously, but often I play the role. I read another book that described 3 roles–the victim, the bully, and the hero. But, what if we didn’t play those games?
I realized that another option had to be the right one. What would that look like– to not be the victim, the bully or even the hero? (Of course with only those 3 options, who wouldn’t want to be the hero?)
I wrote it this way:
Plan A–Ate (I am the winner/bully)
Plan B–Bait (I am the victim/martyr)
What could be plan C?
I wrote Charity
I have been personally trying to discover my way out of all those other roles. How can we just be free and let others be free as well?
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It does take some money to build or rotate a survival kit.
But, it doesn’t take any money to gather what you have.
Start with what you have. Gather it together into a plastic trash bag or pillow case. Work from there.
It doesn’t take money to plan.
Make a list of what you need.
Take the time to sort it with most critical on top. Then, when you have the opportunity to work on it, start at the top.
It doesn’t take money to store water.
Ask a friend or neighbor for their old, empty two liter bottles.
Clean them thoroughly and fill with water at the tap or a drinking fountain.
You can live without almost everything else, but you NEED water. Find a way to store water. A gallon of drinking water is usually around a dollar. If you have little or no money, buy this before you buy anything unnecessary like candy, entertainment, etc.
It doesn’t take money to volunteer.
Sometimes you can work with a church or community group to earn what you need by helping others. Volunteer to collect items from the group for those that don’t have what they need. Make sure that leaders understand your need and your willingness to help others in the same predicament. Work hard to help others obtain what they need and when it is completed, you may be welcome to a share or the surplus. Take care to have the utmost honor so that you are working out a win/win plan and not a self-centered activity. It could be someone in your group is moving and would love to trade you food they don’t want to pack for help with packing and cleaning, etc.
It could be an elderly member has plenty to spare but needs help with yard or house work, etc. If you have time and energy, find creative ways to work for what you need.
It doesn’t take money to ask for help.
Talk to church or community leaders about how to obtain assistance. Food pantries, and other group and community projects may already be in place to help you. Find out what you need to know so that you can help your family be prepared. If nothing is available, see if you could work with them to create a solution for yourself and others. (see volunteering)
It doesn’t take money to have patience.
If we have done all we can, we can pray, trust God, and watch and wait for divine assistance. Ultimately, we can not be prepared for all unknowns anyway. The goal is to do literally the best we can with the circumstances we’ve been given and then trust God. Use prayer to guide you to help improve your circumstances. Often if our finances are so tight we have nothing to prepare with, we are already in survival mode.
Remember this time of financial scarcity when next your situation is better, and prepare before you spend your money on non-necessities. When your are thriving, save money and prepare for emergencies.
Personal Abridgements: Living Well Together 