Self-care

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Be-You-tiful

Mirror 01
If you’re like I was
you won’t have a clue
how to live up to
your most beautiful you

But you have what it takes and
you won’t build alone
as you discover yourself
you’ll find you
have grown

DarEll S. Hoskisson
March 2015

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Griefwork resource: Notes from How to be an Adult by David Richo

A Mourning Resource: How grief is part of growing up

personalabridgements's avatarPersonal Abridgements

I am really enjoying this book.

In the first section, he points out how every hero story starts out with a disaster of some kind– a loss, rejection, mistake, illness, disaster or even attack.

This first part points out how we all have things we needed in the past that we didn’t get–even though it is not necessarily anyone’s fault but of course it could be. These we carry around with us now–as a wound or an unexplainable longing, big feelings, beliefs or attitudes and these affect us now.

So, the first part, surprising to me, is learning how to mourn. It is grief work. Because I recently lost my Dad, I’m more familiar with grief and interested in grief than before. But, accepting what we don’t want is a loss–it is grief. Accepting anything in the past we did not like–is grief. If we can work through it instead…

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Assertiveness Skills from How to be an Adult by David Richo

Assertiveness resource: avoiding aggression and passive victimization

personalabridgements's avatarPersonal Abridgements

Several years ago I noticed that so often we can turn into a victim/martyr vs the bully/needy one battle. This dog eat dog world, I’ve never bought into—consciously, but often I play the role. I read another book that described 3 roles–the victim, the bully, and the hero. But, what if we didn’t play those games?

I realized that another option had to be the right one. What would that look like– to not be the victim, the bully or even the hero? (Of course with only those 3 options, who wouldn’t want to be the hero?)

I wrote it this way:
Plan A–Ate (I am the winner/bully)
Plan B–Bait (I am the victim/martyr)

What could be plan C?
I wrote Charity

I have been personally trying to discover my way out of all those other roles. How can we just be free and let others be free as well?

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The battle of Bedford Falls

Drama.  Excitement. 

I am very human in the way I love to feel alive.  See the excitement in life all around me.  I love to find it for myself by trying new things, asking questions, searching for answers.

But, what I struggle with most, I think, is the very common, everyday life that is incredibly monotonous.  Wake up every morning.  Still need to make breakfast, dishes, laundry, whiney or fighting kids, dirt, sadness, meanness, decay, things that break and need to be fixed. The mundane.  The predictable.  The incomprehensibly never complete-able. 

It is one thing to be out on a horse conquering some big dragon out in the universe.  It is still another to stay home and fight ingratitude, boredom, and normal resistance to progress. 

It is like fighting gravity.  You want to be in outer space, above it all, doing something grand.

But, the fact is, life is happening on earth.  That is where it is.  Life is dirt.  It is a cycle of dirt.  It is hunger.  It is a cycle of hunger.  When you are winning, you don’t have something new and wonderful, you are just free from something distasteful. 

It takes a keen sight to find the glory is working hard to get rid of something unwanted that relentlessly comes back.  And, you know, if you quit, you will lose.  But if you work super hard you can never win.  It will always come back.

The weeds will come back, the dirt will come back, the hunger will come back, the bills will come again, the clothes will wear out, that thing will break.

Which war is harder, I wonder?  They are both necessary. 

But, it takes a very courageous person to carry on knowing it is a doomed mission.  It will never be finished.

But, perhaps that is the glory of it? 

The challenges are necessary to life, like gravity.

To win the war, we have to win the daily battle in Bedford Falls. 

(I’m just noticing how fitting that town name is.  Here is where we sleep.  Here is where we fall down.  Here is where we help each other keep getting up again.)

dsh

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Drowning in Housework

My back to the ocean,

photo courtesy Carrie Keohane

photo courtesy Carrie Keohane

I didn’t see them coming.

I just kept getting knocked off my feet

and spun upside down in a salty somersault.

The flat spots grew piles,

The floor oozed grit,

The dishes dried on dirty

and all my efforts were always spent

just trying to get my head back in the air

and keep it up, treading water.

In a herculean effort I would jump

to clean with all my might to stay ahead of the next wave.

It would be beautiful

for a glorious moment,

but by the next day, whump.

Back to normal.

Floors sucking on the dirty clothes,

dust bunnies propagating,

hungry children.

I need a shower.

My head down, I’m drowning again

with my feet sprawling overhead.

I knew I couldn’t keep this up.

Desperate, I felt almost dead.

I was smothered in the life

ironically chosen by myself.

It kept pushing me under

over and over again.

I couldn’t catch the pattern.

I didn’t know about the tide.

My great expectations and reality

would constantly collide.

I had to turn and face the waves.

I had to run out to meet them as they’d come.

I had to plan for the surprises, too.

I simply had to find the sun.

By preparing and maintaining,

though I could not stop the tide,

my life got routinely easier than

going along for that ride.

© 2013 DarEll S. Hoskisson

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Trust

That there is enough time
for what must be done.
That if there isn’t,
there is another way.

That the future
is not predictable.
That dark clouds do
lighten up with time.

That improvement will
come with persistent practice.
That doing it badly is just
part of beginning.

That persistence wins
over failure
if the lessons
are not lost.

That unendurable things
really are endurable.
That one step at a time
is all anyone can take.

That rushing is not
necessarily more productive.
That capability often
exceeds expectations.

That while not omnipotent,
I am potent.
That although

Leap... Leap… (Photo credit: . : : v i S H a l : : .)

invisible,
my actions have impact.

That small things add up.
That attitude matters.
That something done badly
may be better than not done at all.

That tomorrow will come.
That the future is worth planning for,
and that positive changes now will
eventually bring positive outcomes.

That someone is watching me.
That someone cares.
That help is available.
That I am known.

© 2013 DarEll S. Hoskisson

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Little Lesson

I watched a little squirrel

by Demetrius

by Demetrius

dash into the road.

Darting back and forth,

it couldn’t decide

which way to go.

Although the driver

tried to dodge,

it seemed impossible

to avoid it.

“If only,” I thought

“it would pick one direction

and just keep going.”

But to my sorrow,

it did not, and I felt

the sickening collision.

The poor little thing,

run over by indecision.

© 2013 DarEll S. Hoskisson